I’ve struggled with what to write, this week. This almost never happens to me. One of my most widely read past pieces was written almost by sheer force of will, when I was unwell and feeling dreadful. I’m very seldom stuck for an idea. I have a huge backlog of blog post ideas that are undeveloped or half developed. The problem is that none of them appealed enough to me to write them up in full. At least that’s how it feels, this week.
I think that every now and then, everything that’s going on around you and happening to you can aggregate into a giant lump of despair and it gets completely on top of you. That’s where I am, right now. It’s all on top of me. On whatever time scale I care to consider, I feel beaten and broken. Beaten in the sense of having taken a beating and therefore feeling defeated; broken in the sense of not functioning correctly anymore and having lost sight of hope. It isn’t a nice place to be.
Some of the things I am trying to write feel too challenging to tackle with lucidity. They’re about feelings I am ill equipped to face and handle, right now. Other things are long and involved and I just don’t have the focus to finish them. There are posts that are too far away from my current state of existence to contemplate with anything other than regret at their passing.
If I had the antidote and the glib cure for this feeling, I would use it, I can assure you. Without going into the full wheres and whyfores (sic), suffice it to say that my creative output has ground to a virtual halt, not because I can no longer create (I quite demonstrably can), but because at the present moment, it has lost its flavour. It’s not a pleasurable thing. I gain hardly any satisfaction from it. My mind is elsewhere. I’m not blocked. I’m simply not motivated to show up.
So there it is, I’m afraid. No shining, inspiring insights. No nostalgic reminiscences. No playful stretching of ideas. No provocative viewpoints. No practical advice on how to solve real world problems that artists face. For my lack of writing anything worth a damn reading, I apologise.
I suppose we all feel this way, at one time or another. I’m hoping the cloud will lift.