The older you get, the more you realise that life consists of a series of plans, which you must tear up completely, as circumstances change. You must then start afresh, with a new or considerably modified plan. Just as you build things up, other things get knocked down and you find yourself rebuilding them.
Last year was a really interesting year, for me. Not all smooth sailing, not all successful, but a year of a great deal of building. Perhaps building is not quite the right word. I laid a lot of foundations. It was only when all the footings were in place that I fully appreciated the scale of the building left to be done.
I took the great leap. I changed my circumstances, which were stressing me and driving me insane, like a slow version of the CIA’s water boarding. This, of course, provided me with new and interesting stresses and innovative, novel ways to be driven insane. Plus ca change…
That said, I accomplished some things I never thought I would. I hope to accomplish more. I was painfully reminded, several times during the year, that one’s time is short and that, while driving yourself into a lathered frenzy isn’t a good way to live your life, neither is drifting, waiting for a better day, before you start. The best day to start was quite a few years ago, so in lieu of that, get on with it now. That’s always the case, no matter what it is.
Looking forward, my 2015 is filled with uncertainties and quite a few certainties that I dearly wish weren’t, but sadly, they are. Those dreaded certainties will have to be faced and plans changed around them, too. I don’t know how. All I know is that I have no choice and that facing them with strength and grace will be very important. As for the uncertainties, there’s so many of them that all I can do is plough forward with my plan du jour and hope they resolve themselves favourably.
I haven’t spent nearly enough time on my music and painting, over the past couple of months, so I need to get back to those. Practical matters intervened and I spent a good while being a writer and a web developer. Neither of those foundations has yet become a fully fledged building yet, but they will. The end is in sight for both of those projects.
Most importantly, having spent a year (or more) figuring out who I am, now I must hope that, in going out into the world with that information, I will find resonances and responses that validate the findings. While the great leap was truly frightening, it was not as frightening as the last couple of times I leapt from the nest and tried to fly, only to find my wings weren’t strong enough to keep me aloft. My wings are older, but also a little stronger.
So, I predict that my forthcoming year will involve still more building and rebuilding. There is more than enough to do, for several lifetimes and a workforce of ten. I can’t do it all, nor will I, but I am going to have a damned good go at the stuff I attempt. More than anything, I want to push the things I start over their respective finish lines, so that I don’t have masses of work in progress hanging around. I’ve found that too much work in progress can be confronting and paralysing, so it’s best for me to finish what I start as often as I can.
Life can be lonely, at an existential level, because your struggle to keep your life on track is constant and it is solely your own, regardless of how much love, affection, fellowship and support is lavished on you. Finding the time, to return that love, is very important, though. I sometimes err on the side of being too immersed and focused on what I am doing and not sufficiently present in the important moments of the lives of other people I care about deeply. Finding the balance is the goal.
I hope all my artist friends and readers of this blog will find that the New Year provides many opportunities to build and rebuild. I also hope you are able to grasp the opportunities, as they are presented to you.
Onward and upward!