It means “life out of balance”. That’s how life has increasingly felt to me, lately. Something isn’t right. Lately, the root causes of the feelings of things being out of balance are becoming obvious and things are seemingly coming to a head. It’s difficult to create when that happens, but it can also be the start of a creative renewal. What amazes me is that the veil of loss, tragedy or sadness leaves some people hardened toward humanity and others softened. I tend toward softening. In both cases, it can spur creativity. I think creativity is a survival instinct.
Anyway, the road ahead is less certain. That’s not necessarily bad. A certain road may be a certain road to somewhere you don’t want to go. What is certain, therefore, is that the current road isn’t going where I need it to go. Something has to change. It will change. I just don’t know what will change, or exactly when, or even how. But then, that’s been the case for some time.
At the moment, life consists of a vague but constant feeling of upset and restlessness. It invades my sleep, even when I am exhausted. It feels dangerous. It feels uncomfortable. They say that when you are out of your comfort zone, that’s where the magic can happen. I am out of my comfort zone. I am hoping for the magic to happen.
My blogging routine has become more erratic. So has my painting routine. I have days where I play guitar poorly, unhappy with the sounds coming back at me from my own fingers and strings. I haven’t written a song in a while. Ideas are flowing in my head, but failing to crystallize. I’ve got outlines of lots of things to write, but I haven’t committed myself to writing them in finished form. They’re important books, I think: ideas whose time is coming. I’ve got so much music trapped inside me. There’s always been an unspoken excuse for not getting these things done. I’ve always been coping, full time, with the unsatisfactory, to the exclusion of progressing with the satisfactory.
I see patterns. I see patterns that other people don’t immediately see. But they eventually see them. Almost always. There are some bad patterns visible to me, but there are also some extremely good patterns, though few people can perceive them like I can. My biggest challenge has always been in getting other people to see the patterns I can see. You need to do that, if you want to do anything big. Big things take collaborators that can see the same pattern. Pattern recognition is nothing without pattern communication. Even communication doesn’t guarantee understanding. People need to understand the patterns. I need to spend more time expounding on the patterns I can see. To get that time, I need to do less of the time filling stuff that invades one’s life to fill the vacuum.
I don’t know what’s going to happen. All I know is that somehow, my life will change. Why does that feel so bad? It feels awful. It makes me feel physically sick. The change to daylight saving time today only serves to add to that feeling of being unsettled.
Seth Godin, the marketing guru, talks about Episode Markers. http://sethgodin.typepad.com/seths_blog/2012/03/episode-markers.html Your psyche changes according to the places you walk into and leave. The interactions you have with other people walking into those same spaces change, as both your psyche and theirs change in response to the current situation. The places act as episodic markers. Seth says that one way to change the story is to change the markers. Well, the story needs to change. A fresh start might be exactly what is needed. Fresh starts are hard, though. Simple decisions are seldom easy.
You cannot go backward. There is only forward. Only the present can constrain you from moving forward toward a brilliant future. Those constraints need to be broken. It’s time to turn toward the light, I think.